Stuart’s Philosophies

Ah… inner demons.

I’ve been constantly telling people that there’s no such thing as an external solution. And, of course, the uninitiated will argue with me about it. It’s okay - I understand. You probably think that in order to be vindicated, you have to handle the issue with someone else, just like the way the legal system does it. If someone wrongs you, you have to sue them. If someone shouts at you, you shout back. Well… the “eye for eye” strategy doesn’t bring much peace to the world. Worse still, if you’re feeling guilty about a mistake you made. It turns into a vicious cycle that prevents you from moving forward.

Personally, I am blessed by the fact that I don’t come down on myself very hard. The main reason is because I’d observe this in other people (mainly some family members) who insist on doing things in one way. They are rigid to a point that if things don’t go their way, they get upset, and extend their “upsetness” on other people. I learnt from a very young age that it’s not nice to impose on other people, and if they are willing to be imposed upon, I feel a sense of gratitude and the need for reciprocity. Such is the case of friends whom have taken good care of me while visiting them in other countries, and also when friends do something that I would personally deem to be a chore. Generally, I tend to let things go quite easily as long as they are not work-related, and as long as those things don’t have a chance of spoiling the future for other people.

But recently, I’ve realized some people make mistakes that they feel can never be atoned for. I think it’s a point of “giving up” where they feel that their efforts were a grave mistake and possibly detrimental to other people. Look, through my life, I’ve made some stupid mistakes that often affected other people. If I were to bash myself over the head because of that, I’d be perpetuating the problem because the human spirit seldom works well in the face of threat and punishment. So, I’d say stop punishing yourself.

Here’s what I’ve found to be true. Regret and guilt are also very strong motivators. Let me explain. If you crashed into the back of someone’s car, you could react in many ways. The only time you would feel guilty is if you accepted responsibility for the incident. Guilt is the absorption of responsibility such that you fail to distinguish between the “act” and the “person”.

In order to disassociate yourself from situations like this, you have to stop thinking that “you” are responsible. It’s the act and behavior that was responsible, and you need to accept the fact. If anything were to change, it would be your ACTS and not who you are. There are a number of things that control your acts, of course.

So, a useful strategy would be to:

1. Acknowledge the mistake as a behavior and not the intent. Return back to the time of the mistake and understand your own intent for doing this, while understanding the other person’s intent.

2. Align yourself with the outcome of you benefiting the other person to “equalize” the mistake, if any. This must, of course, be valuable to the other person, if another person is involved. (The alignment method is also known as parts alignment in NLP. Learn about NLP.)

3. Chart a strategy to arrive at the outcome, which should generate a solution for the aggrieved party, but also make you a better human being.

Hope that helps!

Tags

Emotions, Failure