I just read this article about anger management and a few things began to resonate. I find that people often use the phrase “anger management” as if it is a cure, as the author puts it.

I don’t believe that anger is ‘curable’. All of us are human, and we deserve moments of anger as respite. But, because society is becoming less tolerant of anger, we deem it as a faulty mechanism, that we are broken.

Conventional wisdom will show you that anger is a survival mechanism. It’s seldom the person who is ‘angry’ that has a problem. If anger is a disease, then everyone reading this is sick. But I don’t think this kind of thinking will work. If anger is indeed a survival mechanism, which it is, then we have to ask about perception management more so than about anger management.

If something was done that made person A angry, this person is perceiving the world in a way that is generating all those chemicals spinning around the body. We all know from the NLP perspective that perceptions can be changed. We simply need to understand how to assess that external stimulus in a way that leaves us less angry.

For instance, I was on the phone once with a vendor and get very upset by the other person over the phone, in particular a series of comments that triggered off negative thoughts in my head. The more this person spoke, the more I got upset. I was looking for an explanation or an apology - but this person made things worse through justification.

Did I need anger management? Well, at that time I think a botched service deserved a good shelling. Do I STILL harbor angry thoughts? No, I don’t have them anymore because the anger no longer serves my purpose.

So… if I had to sit down and assess using some psychometric tests like Conover Anger Management Assessment or the EQ Map, I personally think that is really going into an intervention process similar to that of a psychotic episode. I don’t believe people function badly - they just function outside of the expectations of society. The angry person would be seen as a hero in a tribal community.

So, the question is that expectations in society require people to change their behavior. I think many of us are facing pressures from sometimes unrealistic (and more importantly, unspoken) expectations. Anger management in my opinion is passe. It focuses one’s attention on the person’s anger rather than on the surrounding cultural environment. Often, systemic interactions lead people to behave a particular way. Often, all we can do to intervene is to do what society does in the opposite fashion.

Instead of being afraid of someone who is angry, be playful about it. Instead of avoiding, increase contact - after all, the lack of close contact could be the reason for the anger in the first place. Instead of blaming the angry person, take responsibility for being part of the cause - after all, blaming an angry person makes that person, well, more angry.