Stuart’s Philosophies

I’ve been asked this many times about how to handle anger and it seems that anger management is one of the prime issues faced by many nowadays.

Ever wonder why?

The concept of anger management actually came to public attention only after the show by Ben Stiller of “There’s Something About Mary” fame. It was an infuriating show, to say the least. ;)

In any case, if you’re bugged by people who have anger problems, there are several ways you might want to handle it:-

1. Share their anger
2. Let them vent
3. Walk away

In my opinion, anger is the manifestation of an unrecognized personal value. You have the choice to be angry, and you obviously need to feel it, but you don’t have to hold on to it. I’ve been pretty angry several times, and have found it quite useless. It doesn’t nurture relationships, it doesn’t help to build trust (even though your anger is sincere), and it doesn’t help to enhance your personal well being due to the stress you get.

Another thing is that anger is always associated to communication. I seldom see people walking down the road and for no reason start shouting at other people. When it does happen, however, the situation is different. It’s likely that this person is disturbed and associates the emotion with a past communication and replays it in his mind (by the way, there are a couple of people wandering the streets and MRT stations of Singapore who are seen like this, and it’s always the same couple of guys).

So what does it mean to have an unrecognized personal value? First, let me illustrate with an example. If you have someone who is extremely angry, you’d typically want to defend yourself or avoid that person. But what you are doing in both instances is ignoring what s/he really needs.

Mary screams at Jim because he didn’t take out the trash. They end up in a fight because Jim blames Mary for always staying out late and not taking care of other household affairs. A shouting match ensues…

So, the ultimate question is… WHO was RIGHT… right?

Well.. if you were Mary, you’d be right.

If you were Jim, you’d also be right.

That’s the problem.

Whenever anger escalates, it’s because of a position we take. In most cases, anger is a reaction to something. It is a lack of validation, and often an encroachment of someone’s ‘territory’. In this example, Jim feels that Mary was blaming him for something he knew he had to do, but defends the scathing attack by blaming her back.

This tit-fot-tat mentality is not the kind of thing that makes for a good relationship.

Recently, I received many questions about ‘anger’ and how to handle it. The trouble is, the person asking the question is often asking about how to deal with somebody else’s anger. E.g. Teacher asks how to resolve student’s rebelliousness and angry defiance, mother asks how to resolve son’s outbursts, etc.

However, I also happen to know through my counseling sessions with some of my private clients that these outbursts were indirectly caused by the very person asking how to handle that anger. The irony!

So what does this mean?

#1 Tip: If you find someone angry at you, it may be that YOU are the cause.

I think the obvious should be pointed out. Think about it. Whether we like it or not, when there is an angry outburst, it is likely because that the things YOU are saying are causing the anger in someone else. Therefore, the saying “For things to change, I must change first” is an important belief to have. Anger is merely a symptom.

#2 Tip: If someone is angry at you, don’t take it personally.

If you treat the person’s anger as a personal attack, here’s one thing you should do. First empathize. I’m sure there must be a reason for the anger, especially if you consider how you might be the one causing it. I’d recommend that you tell yourself “s/he’s just angry at what I did”. It’s probably nothing personal - it may very well be a knee-jerk reaction (especially if you didn’t murder that person’s loved ones or something like that). The main reason for this is simple. If you treat this as a personal attack, you’re going to get angry too. Unless you’re well trained, you’re probably going to escalate the anger without being able to leave some really harsh words in the room. Anger takes the flame and the fan. If you have to fan it, blow it out. Or else, make sure you leave the anger to die out without adding the oil to it.

#3 Tip: Anger Masks Hurt and Fear

Think about it… when you were angry, you had a hidden message - an agenda. Anger is also all manner of dishonesty sometimes. You may have used it as a mask. I know many people who are angry often use it to mask embarrassment. Just remember that if you are aware of how the other person thinks, you should be able to read beyond the anger. Take it as a sign of how well you know the other person. Sometimes, when you approach with an assuring voice and pace the person’s embarrassment or fear, you get to communicate beyond just the anger.

Say Father is home and asks Son to do his homework. Son wants to watch TV. Father says ‘you have to finish your work first’. Son refuses to do homework. Father gets angry and starts to shout. Now hang on, why did that have to be?

Father was reacting to a personal value. If he understood himself well enough, that would not have happened. He would have just sat the son down and asked ‘are you afraid you can’t finish your work? don’t understand? Dad’s here for you’. If dad were to explain, ’son, you know homework is important but you’re not doing it. Is there something other than TV that’s stopping you from finishing it?’

Being able to look at the big picture (in NLP we call this the ‘meta’ position), you can extricate yourself from the entanglement of the anger and look at the real issue. In the alternative responses, did dad validate the son’s emotions? Yes. Did dad validate the son’s values? Yes.

Would anger escalate? No.

Will son be vulnerable? Yes. But that’s allowed when dad is empathetic too.

Preliminary Conclusion

With an in-depth understanding of the communication patterns of people, you might be better prepared to take on the anger elements as a part of your life. When people are angry, it can actually help you understand them and understand yourself better. But by treating anger as a problem and a bane, nobody talks about it and nobody gets to understand more of the emotion.

I leave this as a preliminary consideration for you, and feel free to comment below.

Tags

Emotions, General, Human Tendencies