Need Versus Must

The phrase “If I can’t, then I must” often confuses people. It gives people such a sudden shift of perspective, it becomes dizzying at first. However, if you really look into it, you might debate whether you really ‘must’ in order to do something. In the program I run, I teach this to fire up what needs to be done. If you need something badly enough, you must have it. It is a desire, a compulsion and a strong want.

 

We don’t ‘must’ food. We ‘need’ food. We don’t “must” friends, we “need” friends. Heh – I’m not even sure if my English teacher thinks it’s a complete waste of her English lessons for me to start saying this. I’m not saying that what I taught was wrong. I’m saying once we have a foundation, we can build on it rather than destroy it. Was it wrong for you to learn algebra? After all, it wasn’t essential when you grew up, was it? But it was a foundation to your logical thinking. Was it a must to learn algebra? No. It was a need for the educational requirement, especially in our society today.

 

I’m a toward-motivation kinda guy. So if you hold a gun to my head to get me to do something, my first response would probably be “pull the trigger”. It’s interesting that needs often outweigh the forceful push towards the eventual goals in our lives.

 

So, in a simple exercise for you to do, what do you ‘need’?

 

For me, I’ve found that I need to help people so they can improve their lives. At the same time, I had to ask myself this question: do I need to feel good and help people? I sometimes loathe the feeling. To me, I help people to get away from the feeling of pain I see when I empathize. In recent months, I’ve discovered that it may not be an entirely useful pattern in my life. In reality, most of the things I’ve done could have done more harm than good. For instance, what if my helping prevented someone from doing something on their own?

 

Of course I’m not one to claim that I create miracles. The disappointing thing is that there are people who achieve things only when they wait around to get their asses kicked. It’s really, really sad! I mean, it’s like that childish game boys used to play sticking notices on people’s back saying “kick me” except that now, these people literally stick the notice on their own backs.

 

So, I’ve come to a conclusion. If help has to come, it has to come at a price. The price will never be too expensive unless they continue to behave that way. Whether it is a monetary price, or an emotional price or both, the eventual aim is to get people to stop looking at their past and start focusing on the future, what is possible, and how the heck to get there. I’ve emphasized this over and over, and often, with the premise that people should be helped through mentoring and coaching. Yes, even mentors and coaches need it too. But just because I’m a mentor or a coach doesn’t mean I must be that for you. I don’t need to. Just because I’m a counselor or therapist, I don’t have to counsel you.

 

I have to answer a very strong “What’s In It For Me” question.

 

No, it’s not about being selfish. It’s about being ecological. I must be sure that if I intervene, you will do something about it yourself. Honestly, so far the people who have changed the most effectively are those whom I’ve charged money for. In addition, those whom I’ve not charged were those whom I’ve literally provoked in their conversations with me. Do I need this? Not the money. But I certainly need to see people getting off their backs and moving on their own. I don’t want to end up having to drag the horse you killed while you were procrastinating on it. Nobody to my knowledge wants that kind of cruel and unusual punishment.